Introduction to the Staircase Model of Growth & Relationships

Growth is inevitable – all living things do it. From a simple cell that eventually splits to form two new cells, to something as incredibly complex and beautiful as a human baby growing into an adult. But life isn’t just growth and change: it is also relationships. The Staircase model of growth and support captures all of this. Working through the basic lens of energy, it follows the dynamic dance between the two kinds of energy all people have: masculine and feminine. While each of us has a particular inclination in these two (typically following the general male-female division), we still carry both, and true growth means embracing this.

But what is energy? When I use the word energy, I don’t mean it the way the physicist does (i.e. a force applied through some distance). I mean energy in terms of the way you are – your state of being. It runs through you in everything you do and think – from simple body language, to facial expressions, to actual thought patterns. It can reflect how you think about something, or even how you think about yourself; it can be used to better understand how you experience emotions, or even life in general. Energy is all about the way you are and live.

Our individual energies can also be thought of as a way our minds, bodies, and general emotions communicate with each other. Traditionally, the biologist or behaviorist will speak of how the body and influence the mind, and the mind can in turn influence the body. With energy, we expand this model: our energy can influence our minds or emotions, which in turn influence our body; flowing the other way, our bodies can influence our thoughts and feeling, which in turn influence our energy.

While we are all capable of carrying various forms of energy, we can broadly split them all into two groups: masculine energy and feminine energy. The masculine energy is confident, decisive, and action-oriented, while the feminine is flowing, receptive, creative, inquisitive, and connective. Everyone carries both kinds of energy, but we each lead with our own kind (males tend to lead with the masculine, while females tend to lead with the feminine). Part of learning to grow is learning to balance our two kinds of energy. The manliest of men must still learn the power that flows through the feminine energy he wields, while even the most effeminate woman has the capacity to embrace her inner masculine and accomplish incredible things. The staircase model can be taken as a way to understand your own two kinds of energies, and how to help each one grow.

But the model is about more than the back and forth of our own personal energies – it also describes the natural way to spiral our energies with another person’s, to push one another into growing and becoming more. It describes both growth and relationships. Relationships with a spouse; with friends; with family; with your job; with community; with God; and of course, with yourself.

The model starts with the feminine energy low below the masculine. The masculine protects and offers the feminine a safe space to perform introspection and develop new ideas, before the feminine naturally grows and inevitably rises above the masculine. From here, the masculine “flips” and takes on a new nature – becoming more feminine – while the feminine becomes more masculine. This can describe a husband and wife’s relationship with one another, or a parent and child. It can describe working through the natural two energies that flow in yourself. It can be applied to something as grand as the working of nations and governments; it can be applied to something as small as you and your friend working together.

Let’s dive into the model itself, using a husband and wife as our example to follow, and watch how it describes their relationship. The model has 5 stages to it, and once it reaches its end, it “flips” in a way to let the masculine return to the top – this is one full cycle, as it involves both people (or energies) to fully grow above where they once were.

Interpreting the Model

We need to have a full grasp of what the model is visually telling us. The y-axis – how tall things are – represents energy potential. Notice that the beginning of the model, our masculine energy (gold) is thick. It represents that energy’s ability to exert itself a lot (the highest the gold gets) or to pull back and restrain itself (the lowest the gold gets). Think of it like representing a master in something, such as math: a true master can teach at the highest levels, but is also capable of helping a small child put 2 and 2 together to make 4.

Our horizontal axis – the graph’s progression from left to right – simply represents time. You can certainly notice that we don’t have any kind of labels, like minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years present. Why is this? That gets far too nitty-gritty, and everyone’s unique energies and relationships can take all sorts of different periods to grow. The idea is less that the model moves forward in a certain amount of time: rather, its ultimate fate is to flow forward, and allowing it to do so naturally is the best way to experience growth, relationships, and life in general.

One more note before we dive into the model’s progression: you can see that at different times, different energies are above and below. Sadly, we tend to take on this believe that anything on top is better than anything below it. That is simply not the case here. Whichever energy is on top in the model happens to be the more masculine. But that hardly means it is more important, more capable, or more significant. The whole point of the model is the back-and-forth: each energy – both the masculine and feminine – needs to balance learning how to be on top and on bottom. Not only this, but the model can be used to describe things ranging from very broad, to highly specific. Just because one energy is on top in one case does not mean it is the end all on-top energy in all cases! Whichever energy is on top shows which energy is, effectively, leading the charge right now. Whichever energy is on bottom shows which energy is considering new and better ways to lead later. If the energies were to become stagnant and unmoving, no progress would be made. The back and forth is vital – and no one position is more important than any other.

The Passive Protective Stage

With all of this said, let us dig into the model’s progression. It begins with what we call the Passive Protective stage. Notice the feminine energy (silver) is very small. Not only is it small, but it is clearly below the masculine. Due to the feminine energy’s passive nature, it is natural for it to take a place below the masculine – indeed, any time one energy is above another it has taken on a masculine role (even if the energy itself is still the feminine). The Passive Protective stage is about giving the feminine energy space to grow. The masculine acts as a protective space for the feminine to do this - whether that be by giving the feminine literal space and time to process things, or generally lightening her burden.

Remember that feminine energy is inquisitive. This is part of that: during the Passive Protective stage, the feminine energy should be assessing itself and the situations it is in. That can mean, in our husband and wife example, asking itself why it is feeling unequal to the husband in its current relationship. The husband ought to be giving his wife the space to consider this question. And indeed, most men will do this naturally. You will actually see a strong pattern in this – most elements of this model involve things that masculine energy does very automatically. Masculine energy is action-oriented, so it tends to move forward naturally without questioning much.

There can be problems here, though. If the feminine energy spends too much time and focus here on external rather than internal things, not much is accomplished. It may not seem to matter now, but later on in the model, it will prevent better growth. If the feminine lingers here too long (perhaps by getting comfortable with less focus on external things) she will inevitably tire out the masculine energy. Consider the husband who comes home and complains nothing is getting done - this can come from a masculine energy that has remained in the Passive Protective too long. Your man may be willing to take on extra responsibilities for a while, but he will get tired of it. Especially if the feminine hasn't been spending that time truly introspecting things: he will naturally pick up on that, and view the whole thing as a waste of his time and energy.

Notice that the masculine energy, in the model, almost looks like it could crush the feminine. That's because - metaphorically speaking - it can. The masculine has to put effort towards keeping the feminine from being overwhelmed by him. An unhealthy masculine energy actually won't do this, and will allow his energy to crush the feminine's (creating enmeshment - more on this later). It is hard work for the masculine to remain here for too long. So the feminine needs to make the most of it.

It also helps the more the feminine communicates with the masculine. If communication breaks down, the masculine may not provide the extra help needed. Or he may grow irritated by how long he has been helping extra. If you take anything away from this section, make it this: communicate your needs with the masculine! Even if he can't always accommodate you, it helps the two of you stay on the same page, and can set you up to move through the rest of the model in a much smoother way. This is the feminine's time to focus on the internal, not external. Don't take on new things (projects, activities, responsibilities etc.) - instead, look inside, and communicate with those outside.

The Energy Clash Stage

The second stage is where the feminine energy begins to grow. Notice that in this block of the model, the feminine-to-masculine ratio begins favoring the feminine more and more. Looking at the stage as a whole, the overall energy is split fairly 50-50 between both the masculine and the feminine. Here, the feminine is learning how to act in a more masculine way, while the old masculine energy (the gold) is preparing to become more feminine.

Sadly, this stage is where lots of conflict tends to occur, but it doesn’t need to. The Energy Clash is like a pre-test for the woman to embrace masculine energy: now that she has had time to consider her situation, she must put her ideas to the test. The masculine energy now exists as a safe place for her to try her ideas – just in thought and debate. Returning to our husband-and-wife scenario, say the wife comes to the husband with the following thought: “I think I should be making more decisions about our money.”

She is actively engaging her husband on the thoughts she has had. But keep in mind, discussion is a more feminine trait. Action is masculine, and she isn’t quite ready to take the action. But the husband is preparing to enter a more feminine state, and so his job here is to engage her back. In other words, it is to play devil’s advocate.

“OK, but the last time you were in charge of money, we ended up in pretty bad debt.” This is not the husband shooting down her idea – it is, if anything, testing her. Not for his sake – for hers. If the husband says this and the wife backs down, it suggests she didn’t think that far ahead. In such a case, she probably shouldn’t be handling the money again – not yet, anyway. But if the wife holds her ground, and the exchange keeps going, it is a sign – both to her and to him - that she might be ready to handle their money again.

“I know, but this time I know what I have to do – I need to keep an eye on the bank accounts and the credit card accounts, and make sure we never have more credit debt than money in the bank.”

This exchange could go on and on. At the end of it, the woman (or rather, the feminine energy) either has the chance to rise and fully claim a spot above the current masculine energy (thus becoming masculine-like itself) or it will pimple. A pimple is when the feminine energy dives back down – forming a pointy pimple-like shape – and needs to rebuild itself. Pimples are not necessarily bad – they can be frustrating, for sure, and they can be painful (like a real pimple) but they offer the feminine energy a chance to re-align itself, to better prepare for the challenge of fully rising above the energy of both the current masculine and feminine. This is a big step – it represents the actual start of growth – but if the feminine energy isn’t quite ready, the growth will be minimal.

Sadly, most women interpret the husband’s engagement during this stage as hostile or malicious. But the reality is, he will do the exact same thing with anyone whose energy is lower than his! It is, in many ways, the male ritual of growth – it’s why schools use tests and exams to determine whether the student is ready to receive credit. It is a very masculine system, which unfortunately misses the benefits that a feminine system could offer in tandem – but as far as masculine energy goes, the engagement during the Energy Clash is very important!

Your husband is not trying to tell you you’re wrong. He’s trying to help you decide whether you’re wrong or right. It is amazing how many women come away dumbfounded when their husband – with no fight or struggle at all – simply says “OK” as soon as the woman fully takes responsibility for what it is that she wants to do. The back-and-forth isn’t to prove you’re wrong – it’s to give you the chance to decide whether you are or aren’t for yourself.

Your man is not seeking ways to keep you down. He is trying to help you see what being the top, masculine energy might entail. He is – in a sense – trying to make sure whatever growth you perform is sustainable. Because when you grow, it sets up part of his potential growth later down the line.

The real problem occurs when the masculine won’t engage. The first two stages of the model have healthy and unhealthy ways of living in them, and a masculine energy that won’t engage during the Energy Clash is definitely unhealthy. It is a masculine energy completely uninterested in watching the feminine grow. You approach your husband and say you want to handle the money. He simply says “No.” That’s a bad sign. That’s when he won’t engage. Worse than that is when you bring up something, and all he says is “I know.” No “Yes,” not even a “No.” He is doing the bare minimum to acknowledge your thoughts.

Ladies, if your husband engages you, you need to stop and realize: you’ve got yourself a pretty good man. As someone who has experienced a masculine energy refusing to engage me while I was in the more feminine state, I can tell you there is just about nothing more insulting and demeaning. Keep in mind, I say this as a man – I once attempted to have this discourse with my father, and he refused to engage. I can tell you now that it was because he was very unhealthy on the topic I approached him with; but at the time, when you first try to engage, it can be hard to see any of that. All you know is the person who has otherwise acted as a protector (from the Passive Protective stage) is suddenly seeming to turn on you. Like they want to keep you in your place. And that is a terrible feeling.

Overly protective fathers can also fall in this category with many women (or flip that to overly protective mothers often with their sons, though it can happen with either parent and any child). Upon the child reaching their point of rising and growing into something bigger and better, the parent suddenly seems to turn on them. Fortunately, you can still rise even when the old masculine energy won’t engage! We’ll look into the specifics up next.

The Rise and Flip Point

This next stage is more of a single point – it is the place of making a decision, or committing to some new idea or action, and actually growing. For the feminine energy (the silver), we call this the rise point, because she has risen above the old max energy the masculine had. She has explicitly raised the overall energy in the relationship – and there is no going back. For the old masculine energy (the gold), we call this the flip point, because the masculine suddenly makes a flip into being beneath the feminine, rather than above it. It can also be called the growth point, or simply the decision point as it is the point that the decision to rise/flip or not occurs.

At this point, the feminine takes on masculine traits. If we are talking about a more feminine person, we would say they are now using masculine energy. If we are talking more about the energy itself, we would say the feminine energy is practicing a masculine state. Our masculine and feminine energies can absolutely do this – it actually increases their natural abilities at being themselves. Think of it like raising the ceiling on each energy – it doesn’t mean you’re pretending your feminine energy is suddenly masculine so much as it means you have pushed your feminine past a new limit, and it is stronger than it was before.

When using the model in a purely self-energy way (i.e. the relationship you look at is the one you have with yourself), it becomes especially poignant to remember that the model is only a half-cycle – the second half will see your natural masculine energy return to the top and your natural feminine energy return to the bottom, but both are higher than they once were. These demonstrates better the idea of your specific energies growing.

When we focus the model more on interpersonal relationships, it is no longer our two different energies pushing their limits. It instead is about us – as individuals – changing which energy we use in the relationship. Using our husband-and-wife again, once the wife makes the decision “I’m going to handle our money,” she has embraced a masculine energy. She is doing something new, and action is masculine. Simultaneously, our husband – who is letting money be her space now – has become passive towards the money – it is not his in his world now. Even so, his energy acts like a foundation for his wife’s: he is bolstering her up in her new masculine role.

So many women grow frustrated when they make their rise, and their husband never seems to “flip” down into the feminine, supportive role. Yet again, this is misinterpretation. From a masculine point of view, support is not saying “Do you need help?” and “How is it going?” so much as it is silently standing by, and waiting to help when a sign of it occurs. If the wife were to come to her husband and say “OK, I need your help really quickly,” he would say “OK, let me help.” That is support. But as much as a woman might think she wants the “Are you OK? Are things going alright?” husband, stop and really think about it: wouldn’t it start to feel like he expects you to fail? Like he thinks he needs to constantly be asking?

It is understandable that sometimes we feel like the support below us is not actually there. Sometimes we do need more support then is being given. This is where it becomes important to recognize what stage in the model you are actually in: if you’re actually in the Passive Protective, what you call support might be “protection.” More often than not, once a person has hit the Rise Point, the mostly want (and need) passive support – otherwise, the other person might just get in their way!

Still, it is common to hear women complain that their husband simply won’t flip into the feminine-supportive role. Don’t worry about it: when you rise, it will naturally create a hole below you if your husband doesn’t flip at the same time. And as long as that hole is there – and you invite him to fill it – he will eventually. Likely, passively, over time. Remember – the go-getter husband you had before is flipping from masculine to feminine. You shouldn’t expect his flip to be some kind of grand action.

Worse comes to worse, you can always find someone else to temporarily fill that support role – so long as you leave it open for your husband to fill when he wants. Eventually, he will. And if you have any doubt about that, just keep this simple phrase in mind:

Men like filling holes.

(Of course, this is specifically looking at the husband-wife situation. In other cases, it may take more to get the old masculine energy to flip, and navigating this can certainly be a good reason to ask Emily for advice directly!)

The Building Stage

Once the feminine energy has risen above the old masculine, it enters the building stage. Up until this point, everything has been about preparing for the change. Now, the change has occurred. During this new stage, the feminine will reach her new height – and thus bring the overall relationship to a new height . A few things can help this stage succeed best. First, the more effort that was put forth during the Passive Protective stage, the better. In our example, the wife discovered she wanted to handle the money, and with it she also needed to think through why her last effort did not succeed so well. She needed to have an actual plan to help her succeed his time. If the feminine energy “skips through” the Passive Protective stage, the Building stage will be severely limited as a result. It will be like saying you’re going on an adventure, and then locking yourself outside in your bathrobe. In the middle of winter. You’re getting your adventure alright, but probably not the one you wanted.

The Energy Clash stage is also important for helping the Building stage succeed best. It is during the Energy Clash that the feminine’s ideas are first given their “pre-test” of sorts: if you ignore the masculine engagement during the Energy Clash, you may very well find the Building stage falling apart quickly because legitimate problems occurred that you chose to ignore back when they were just a warning and a possibility. This is why a pimple that occurs after an Energy Clash can sometimes be a good thing – it is a chance to re-assess the ideas the feminine had originally, and possibly try again, hopefully more prepared the second (or third, or fourth, of fifth…) time through.

Finally, the last two important elements of a successful building stage is the old feminine energy holding strong to its new way of doing things, and the old masculine standing by to support in whatever ways are needed. It is absolutely possible that the old masculine (the gold) simply doesn’t provide the support necessary – again, if this is the case, some other person can help hold the gap in the meantime, whether that be a friend, family member, therapist, or life coach like Emily.

In our example of the husband-and-wife, this stage would be the wife handling the money. When problems arise, she refers to her husband for some help, but otherwise she handles it. There may come a point where she says “OK, I need you to do this part,” and that would be the end of the Building stage. There’s nothing wrong with that. The wife still pushed the relationship higher up than it was before, and took on something new for herself. That’s a win, no matter how you slice it.

The Building stage determines how high the new energy max in the relationship will be. In other words, it determines how much you and the other person/entity/thing grow together. If you falter during this stage, don’t worry: there still was growth, even if not as much as would be nice. Faltering here also tends to cause a switch-back – the model continues like normal, but in a very fast way that causes the old masculine to flip back on top, and usually with only a small amount of growth. Better than nothing, but certainly not the desired end goal.

Pimples and Enmeshment

This is not one of the five primary stages – rather, it is an alternative that can happen when a rise fails to lead into a Building stage. Pimples – as we discussed – occur when the feminine energy backs down from the rise point. There are two reasons this can occur – external, and internal.

In the external reason, it suggests the masculine energy effectively slapped the feminine back down. It explicitly tried to block her from a rise. I say “her,” but keep in mind that this can happen in any relationship with any people. I gave a previous example in which I, a man, was effectively slapped down from rising by my father, another man.

These can be very difficult for the feminine energy given that, previously, the masculine was a source of good and protection. Indeed, for many people it is the jarring shock of it all that rocks them the most. It is common for the feminine energy to willingly back down after this. But that doesn’t actually help much of anyone. All it does is stunt growth. Worse, it can lead to enmeshment.

Enmeshment is when the boundaries between two people blur in some way. It can be your feelings which enmesh, or your ideas and thoughts, or your perspectives. Once enmeshment occurs, it tends to slowly enmesh more and more of you, until – eventually – your whole energy is enmeshed. This is not a good state to be in. You lose your sense of self, and when your energies enmesh, you can no longer channel the “you” part of you! Even though enmeshment sees the boundaries vanish, the more masculine energy tends to remain dominating at the top. The more feminine energy becomes more concentrated at the bottom.

Enmeshment is a very deep topic to go over, and its many facets are well beyond the scope of even a single dedicated article. It is enough to say that, once enmeshed, the first step out is to re-establish the boundaries, which can allow the separation of your energies again. From there, you slowly build back up, until you hit a rise point again – and hopefully, can fully rise with it.

Importantly, while you can indeed pimple because of external sources, you can always choose to rise again. Even more importantly, enmeshment is impossible if one of the two refuses it! This means that the feminine always has the ultimate say of what happens. In the example of myself with my father, when he refused to engage me during the “Energy Clash,” he was effectively trying to push me back down. I simply walked out once I realized what was happening. I ended up rising despite his efforts, and I can tell you that he did not end up getting what he thought he wanted from it all anyway.

This is where we come to the internal reason a pimple occurs. Ultimately, the internal is the only thing that can prevent a full rise. Sure – external reasons might surprise you and cause you to drop by sheer shock – but only the internal reasons will keep you from fully rising. Only the internal reasons will lead you to enmesh.

These internal reasons typically come down to fear: the fear of what happens once you rise. The fear of what the old masculine energy will do if you rise. The fear of failure after you rise. This is where it is important to note: once you have made the rise point, you have already succeeded! Even if your Building stage doesn’t last long, you will have grown. And things can only improve from there. You may be worried about the old masculine lashing out after you rise. But here’s the thing: the masculine will naturally flip once you rise. Yes, it might take time – so if you’re concerned, find someone who can support you in the meantime. But time and time again, we have seen this occur: the masculine recognizes your rise as a defeat. It recognizes that it’s strategy doesn’t work. And, more often than not, it sulks into the supportive role soon after!

A pimple may occur again and again – and sometimes, they can be helpful for realizing you need to prepare for the rise better. Remember, the Energy Clash is meant to help you see how prepared you are for the rise. Pimpling there is not a sign of a bad husband, or friend, or family member. It is a sign you need to stop and look back at yourself again before giving it another try. Just beware: if you pimple and don’t get back up, you will eventually enmesh. It is inevitable.

The Stable Stage

The final stage in the model is perhaps the best one because little happens. It is where the old feminine has become stable with the new masculine energy. It is where the old masculine has comfortably taken on the feminine support role. And it is where the otherwise hectic and chaotic hustle and bustle of the model up to now settles down.

The Stable stage actually precedes the model’s second half, where the gold masculine will now perform a rise under the protective wing of the silver feminine. All of the same stages will apply, and in pretty much the same ways. The exact nature of it all might be slightly different – but the progression is overall the same.

One Full Cycle

During this stage, the husband-and-wife will have found the new normal – there are few to no kinks left to work out in how they are handling the money. At least, no big, immediate ones. But eventually, the gold masculine energy – now in the feminine state below – will start to find things to improve on. And the model repeats: perhaps the husband realizes his wife could save lots of time using a computer program; he brings the idea up, and finds that she wouldn’t be comfortable using it, but he would be; he decides he will handle a specific part of the money using the computer program, and hand the results over her to work like normal afterwards; he starts using the program, and finds better and better ways to use it, and better ways to give his wife the results; finally, he settles into a consistent way of using it, and wa-lah: the second half of the cycle has completed, with the masculine energy returning to the top, ready for the feminine to start the entire cycle all over again!

Applying the Model to Anything!

Importantly, the cycle doesn’t ever stop. It is all about growth, and growth is constant. It is our natural state to be growing – hence why things like enmeshment make us so miserable: they prevent growth!

We can have many different versions of this model playing out in every different relationship we have in life. Understanding the nuances of it, as well as the general trends, can help us recognize the problems we are experiencing in our lives and help us overcome them.

Now that you know the basics of the model, take it and try to apply it to something in your own life. Have you and a spouse had a disagreement over something recently? Take a look at it again now with the model: were you in the Energy Clash? Was he actually trying to stop you, or to simply engage you?

Apply the model to everywhere in your life – you’ll be amazed by just how broadly it works. More than that, you’ll be amazed what you can start learning about yourself from the model. Understanding the relationship between masculine and feminine energy is important. It governs so much of every relationship out there, including your relationship with yourself.

There is still lots to learn and go over – the ups and downs of the first two stages, the various ways men and women apply both masculine and feminine energies, and the ins and outs of enmeshment. This model is about helping yourself succeed – identifying where you are in it, and what it is you actually need. The applications are as varied as the many kinds of relationships out there, but they all have these basics in common.

Have more questions? Don’t worry: we have lots of other articles on the way. But if a question is burning away in your mind, don’t be afraid to reach out to Emily and ask! If you think you could use the support of Emily’s coaching, you can contact her via her Instagram at @i.am.emily.carolynn.baker, or shoot her off an email at emilycarolynnbaker@gmail.com.